Why Self Love Really Matters
By: Deb Maes
March 20, 2013
Having conducted thousands of coaching sessions, with people all over the globe, I have discovered that the single biggest problem people face in living a quality life is not valuing and appreciating self. This has surprised me because I see such value and beauty in the people I coach.
‘So what?’, you may ask. ‘What does it matter if a person doesn’t fully appreciate themselves and they give themselves a hard time being overly critical?’. Well, it does matter. It matters a lot. Life is the most precious thing in the universe and every single life is a piece in the puzzle of humanity. Every time one of us doesn’t fully BE, we make a hole in the puzzle – not a good look – and we all miss out. We are all getting ripped off when one of us holds back from fully appreciating their uniqueness.
It matters also because it puts us off center. It makes us unbalanced. That is a dangerous thing for us all, because the unbalance creates unproductive behaviours towards others. Then we are getting ripped off in a different way, because we are having to endure the misbehaviours. If you aren’t fully convinced this is so, ask yourself when you behave best: when you are stressed, anxious, full of doubt or when you are calmly confident in yourself?
A confident person is a friendly, accepting and kind person. I know this for a fact.
So, how does it happen that we have so many people that don’t know how to like them self? One big factor is the way our societies reward and indorse behaviours and achievements. The latest psychology research shows that praising positive behaviours and achievements is as detrimental to self-esteem as criticising failure (I can’t quote the paper, but if you ask me I’ll look it up for you). Why? Because it teaches us that we need to ‘DO’ stuff to get worth. AND, it teaches us that someone else (not our self) has the power to say if we are doing ok.
Low self-esteem and self-doubt also comes about because we don’t really know HOW TO get to know who we really are – on the inside. You can’t like yourself if you don’t know yourself. AND, if you aren’t your behaviours or your achievements, then who are you?
So, how do you get to know yourself? Here is one (of many ways) you can go about getting to know the truth of who you are: pay attention to what attracts you – what it is you notice that you like. This speaks about WHO you are.
My example: I like white, shiny and gloss. I like clean, because it shines. I wear sparkly jewellery and eye shadow. I like sparkle. I like space and light. How does this tell me about who I am? Well, when I notice that I like sparkle, I can ask, ‘how is that true of me?’. Well, it is. You ask anyone that knows me and they inevitably will use words like ‘effervescent, sparkly, bright, bubbly, light’, to describe me.
Test it out. Notice what you notice that you like and ask, ‘how is that true of me’ and watch what happens.
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